So, my birthday wasn't exactly everything I hoped it'd be. I spent the morning with my best friend, Jolyn. I intended to get a picture of us together, but totally spaced it. I then picked Jesse up from work and everything just went downhill from there.
We first got in an argument (which is what every girl wants for her birthday, right?). Then, I was stressed about trying to feed Josiah because I wasn't producing enough milk. I pumped, but he ate the entire bottle and was still hungry and upset. I ended up pulling out a can of formula that I received for free in the mail and mixing up a bottle for him. This was a big deal to me. Even when I'm going from pumping to pumping without any extra milk stored up, I've still been able to make enough to satisfy him. This was the first time that I'd exhausted my resources. I tried nursing him directly, but he just screamed and refused to latch on. So, I gave him all of the milk I had and then made another bottle of formula. And as I fed him, I cried.
I know that formula isn't going to hurt him. I know that just because I gave him this one bottle doesn't mean I have to stop breastfeeding completely. In fact, if I supplement a formula bottle every now and then, it gives me a chance to pump without it being used up, and I can build back up my stock. But, as a mom, I've striven to give my baby the absolute best, and part of my felt like a failure by not being able to make enough milk to satisfy him. After a totally depressing afternoon, I met up with my mom to run errands for Thanksgiving tomorrow and her birthday party Saturday. It was totally unproductive!
The stores were either closed or out of the items we needed. I wound up with nothing I needed, and only this pair of cute penguin slippers to show for our excursion.
I'm not much of a shopper, and so by our 4th hour and 4th store I was starving and worn out. We grabbed some dinner and went to my aunt's house to finally work on party stuff.
On the way, my mom gave me a birthday card. It was just what I needed at the peak of my frustration and exhaustion.
Have I mentioned how blessed I am to have the mom that I do? She means the world to me!
I arrived home at 11:55 pm, only to finish out the last 5 minutes of my birthday sitting alone as Jesse fell asleep on the couch. I told him I was disappointed in the lack of real, nice time we could've spent together. (It wasn't my choice to spend 7 hours in separate places doing separate things.) I didn't get a response. Instead, he just told me that I'm too stressed about the party and should take a day off tomorrow to relax, even though this is impossible due to the short amount of time left before the party is scheduled. Now he sleeps while I continue to work past midnight to get things done.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better...
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